ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.