I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits