I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
You Might Also Like
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
me hitting on a model
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name