Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you