I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.