[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
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[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*