“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
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(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
getting groceries
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.