I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Always a housemaid, never a house.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend