hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
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– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
How to make infinite energy.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.