(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.