Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.