Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.