y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
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In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!