The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
😆this is so true
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.