My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
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