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me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun