My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
You Might Also Like
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Customer is always right
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
fly smarter, not harder
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years