AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks