DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
You Might Also Like
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.