i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Autocorrect is my menesis
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.