*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
True?