“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?