Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up