i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
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Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.