* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.