Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Wait a second…
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!