Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
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Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.