Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza