My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
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[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Worth a try
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.