If poetry is dead, then explain this:
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[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.