You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.