Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
inside you are two wolves
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
good for her
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Nose