Fixed this for Shakespeare
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
💯😂
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Guilty! 🤪
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows