Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it