4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
me after eating Cheetos
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.