Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
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[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*