I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
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Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!