I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
You Might Also Like
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”