You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
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[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
the greatest twitter interaction
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.