When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.