When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood