My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.