When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
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how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.