If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*