[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
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Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?