[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
classic mixup
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Thursday
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus