@HlessHman

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

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@PyrBliss

If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

@RealAbishekC

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

@iamjohnsarris

I’m not afraid of spiders.

I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.

Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.

@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

@DanielRCarrillo

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

@HumanPog

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

@stephenjmolloy

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men