Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Current mood: Potato
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*