This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
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“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Life with a cat in one tweet
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland