[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
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Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Pretty much! 😂👀
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.