my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
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[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Don’t snitch tag.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.