SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
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The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.