Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did